I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
