Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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