don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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