know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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