U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
So here I am, sexting at work.
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