woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
