Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
