Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize