mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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