he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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