My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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