The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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