Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
