Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
