I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
