Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
