Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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