Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
