I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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