i need an iv and a liver transplant
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
