we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
