i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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