I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
