Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Randomize
