She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize