i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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