I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
