An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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