I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Randomize
