Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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