I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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