i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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