So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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