I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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