I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Randomize
