She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
