I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
