Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Two words: blizzard sex
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
