the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
