to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize