so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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