I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
