kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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