How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
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