Whod you bang
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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