Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize