I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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