Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
