I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
