can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
