You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
