why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
