Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
