Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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