so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
