Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
